Welcome 2015

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I’m super psyched to start a new year. But not anymore psyched than I was to start yesterday or the day before. Since my last post (which seemed epic and I felt as if I could never write again) Every day I wake up – I’m psyched.

I feel like writing today is so cliche – like, ok, it’s a new year therefore everyone is going to be blogging about keeping resolutions, what we should and should not be eating, doing, exercising etc… But that’s not what this is going to be about. Today, I’m writing because I feel inspired to just say thank you to EVERYONE who has crossed my path in the past.

I’m here today because of you

I’m who I am today because of you

I love, I feel, I AM because of you

YOU are part of me, and each time I see something good, something bad or something different in you, it’s a part of me that I’m reflecting on in the same way. So, thank you to everyone and let’s make this new year, this new day AWESOME.

From my family to yours, these 4 pieces of me and pieces of you – we wish you the most Awesome New Year…

be strong. be awesome. be YOU.

And then, I almost died

Yes – this sad image was me – almost exactly 2 months ago today.

This post has been brewing inside of me for a good month now, and I think I’m finally ready to put it out there. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I begin to type these words. 

We go about our days, our lives just ordinary. Not realizing — I mean REALLY realizing that it could be some of our last moments. That was how my days leading up to whatever the hell that was happened. This post could get really LONG as I feel like I want to share every detail, every moment with everyone — but I won’t and I can’t – I think it might be too painful to go through every moment.

I hate that saying “it changed my life” because I always would say – “don’t wait for big unexpected things to change you — choose to change”. I think for the most part what it did was VALIDATE for me the ideas that I have for me and my family and the way I want to live my life — and really looking out at everyone and saying – I don’t care if you agree with me or not. 🙂 

But it did – it changed me. I’m not sure my body, my mind will ever be the same as it was before. For better or for worse. I don’t really understand the amount of drugs that were put into my system to ease my pain, I don’t really understand why I saw my mother standing in the room next to my husband, I’m not sure why Bella was laying with me in bed several nights even though she was miles away and I don’t know why Melissa was once again a newborn. But what I do know is these experiences happened for me and in the end I have no answers.

That’s probably the hardest part for me – is the not knowing why – which is why my life is changed. I was one moment enjoying watching Mez play soccer, the next moment being wheeled around a hospital, the next my brothers and my dad are standing in my room, I’m being told day after day that all my tests are clear – but yet, inside I was dying. 

What got me through all this – I don’t understand. I suppose I should say – it is my yoga! – I’m not really sure I was capable of thinking about yoga during that time – but sure, I do remember trying to take some deep breaths and I do recall trying to practice gomukahasana a few times (my shoulders and hips desperately needed a stretch) but in all honesty – I think really, my time here just isn’t done yet.

So, how did it change me? Well here goes my list –

– You can take or leave me – I don’t care. I used to. I did really badly — I just wanted everyone to like me – and now, I don’t care. I’m good, I’m here, I have a beautiful family and people who do love me – so if you don’t – that’s fine. And trust me, I can already tell and I already know who everyone is!

– I’m removing the crap from my daughters lives. I don’t want them to waste time like I have done. Live now – don’t wait!

– I’m re-evaluating how I spend my time. I gave up something I LOVE – but I don’t love it more than my family, my body and my life. 

– I’m enjoying the simpler things – like sitting here with my coffee – instead of feeling like a failure because I’m NOT up at 5am practicing yoga. 

– I’m less concerned about making you happy and more concerned with making me happy. Because you aren’t responsible for my happiness and I’m not responsible for yours. 

– My trust needs to be earned. I used to just give it away. I did. Trusted everyone. I realize that’s how I got burned so many times and I’m over it.

Some of the above might sound so very un-yogic… but even here I’m questioning the yoga community’s moral compass in many ways. I sometimes even question my own if I’m going to be fair. So, is it un-yogic? nah… it’s actually quite real – and it’s actually how we should ALL be. 

So, did I say anything overly shocking – no. I don’t ever think I can put it into words – really. It was the scariest time in my life. And I’ll leave you all with this last thought/memory.

One morning, I happened to wake up before anyone came in to poke and prod me. My wonderful husband was laying on that G-d awful couch/bed. He was sound asleep. I looked at him and realized that I couldn’t leave him here alone. That I had so much more love to share and give to him and that back home I had 2 of the most amazing beautiful daughters and they had more to learn from me and to teach me. But I also looked at him and saw a man who was scared and broken because he thought he might lose me. I don’t ever want to understand or know that feeling again. For him, for them… I found an inner fight inside of me. Just ask my brother! But Robb Hoffheins — he was my and is my best friend. If you know him, you know he’s the softer side of the two of us. I’m not sure the way I just described this did that moment justice, but it was a pivotal moment during this journey I took. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life and even though we have bumps and bruises – I wouldn’t change my life with him — I’m just going to change my life around him so that I have more life WITH him.

Thanks for listening to my very long ramble. 

Be strong. Be awesome. Be great. Be YOU.

Peace Out – M

Always letting people down

Recently, I feel as though no matter what I do or how hard I try, this is what is happening. Why? I don’t get it. 

When I look at the specific situations that I’m feeling this way about I try really hard to think about what my motivation is/was for doing the thing (or not doing the thing) I did; the person who was disappointed with me and where they are coming from and then the final question which is – why am I trying to please everyone all the time? — this is it – really, this last part that I want to discuss.

We are a culture (or so we say) of people pleasers – fix this because one person doesn’t like it – agree with someone’s point of view in fear of confrontation and so on and so forth.

IT’S FRIGGIN EXHAUSTING!!!

This past month (and I’m not going to get into HUGE details about the situations) I’ve had 2 very specific things happen where I’ve unintentionally pissed someone off. I’m a controversial person – I get it. Not everyone likes me – that’s ok. That’s not where I’m going with this. In these 2 instances – it was out of me trying to do something or share something with these people that caused them to get mad. Really and truly honestly, in one case I was trying to create a process to make things easier and in the other – I was reaching out to this person to share a story….. 

But here’s the deal – I’m not them. They are not me. What I received was a backlash of their OWN story not wanting to accept my gift (we’ll call it) 

 

So, to move through this – I did several things

1) I processed. I talked with someone I trust — my husband — he’s always good — he plays devils advocate with me to help me see both sides. 

2 ) I cried and let myself feel bad. I’ve learned that holding things in — not so great for the body, the spirit or the mind. 

3) I let it go – I have no control over them. They have no control over me

4) I didn’t take it personally – OK back up to #2 – I did (for a day or so) but then I really had to just realize this was their process, not mine

5) I realized I was doing the best I could 

6) I tried to not make any assumptions (remember, you’re just an ASS if you do)

7) I stayed true and impecable to my word. 

— the 4 agreements- thank you Don Miguel Ruez (buy it here if you have never read it)

So, let’s back up to the beginning — Who am I really letting down then? No one. But if we move to a place where we are ALWAYS trying to make EVERYONE happy – then yes we will.

My big lesson for the past 2 weeks that the Universe decided to share with me – is this – take care of yourself first, don’t let yourself down and then the rest of it will align as it should.

PEACE OUT!
M

 

Why do I take so long between posts?

Is the question I continue to ask myself. It’s not because I’m stirring up something amazing to write about, nor is it because I don’t have time — because I do. I guess it’s because I start to wonder why? Why am I, why do I feel the need to share with so many people who I don’t know? 

It’s an interesting thought. And one I have found myself pondering a LONG time – and it goes hand in hand with – WHY do I teach yoga? What made me come to this place? If I go all “yoga-like” on you I’ll say things like – it’s my dharma, or my true self, or it’s a way to share something that helped me. It’s true, but I’m not going to go there.

Here’s why though – when I really boil it down. I teach yoga to help other people get out of their head – even for a second. Someone once did that for me and it was and is pretty cool. I teach yoga because it makes ME feel good. Not just practicing but also seeing the smiling (sometimes not so smiley) faces staring back at me. I teach yoga because it brings people together that normally wouldn’t even talk to one another. And I could go on and on…

So — I guess I write this blog for the same reasons.

But why does it take me so long? Because – I feel like I don’t want to contribute the the already INSANE amount of YOGA blogs that are out there. They irritate me – (well not all of them). Same as why I chose who I practice with wisely. It can pollute the mind, make you feel like a lesser human being and can make you almost want to run away and hide. The opposite intent of what everyone is hopefully striving for.

I’m not perfect, nor am I trying to claim to be. No one is. But my goal with my teaching and my goal with this blog is to NOT subject everyone to “my way or the highway” or to create a community that loathes hearing from me – every twist and turn I take…. but instead to maybe say something, see something, teach something that for one second…. one second only helps somoene get out of their head and be more in their heart.

Have a great Tuesday!

Peace OUT! 

(maybe this time there will be fewer than 9 months between posts…)

No title (for realz :))

If you want to lead, you don’t need to know everything or do everything. 
You just need to give people a way of trying.

I seem to enjoy taking LONG breaks between blog posts. I think it’s because — well, wait, who am I kidding – I don’t have a ton of spare time. Which leads me to this blog post…

The past 2 years (to be exact) I’ve really struggled with my profession. What – you say? You can struggle by being a yoga teacher?? and the answer is YES. There is SO MUCH JUDGEMENT within the yoga world — it makes me sick. I will admit – I’ve fallen prey – but I quickly get myself right back out of it. The only think I will stand by anymore is – You must be trained, you must be registered and you must StUdY — If you’re not doing those things, then please do not teach yoga. Too much can happen, too much liability… and truthfully – seeing as NONE of us do it as we really should (ie: 1 on 1 setting, working with the body in front of you) — then it’s our duty to make sure we are R E A D Y.

But this is not why I’m writing today. I’m writing because it finally has clicked for me. It’s been over 8 years, a lot of teachers, a lot of friends gone wrong, a lot of trying to prove myself, accomplish something, a lot of judgement – for me to finally get to this. Teach what you love and love what you teach! — I know – so simple.

Not really… See, I love it all. I love Yin, I love flow, I love Ashtanga, I love Universal, I love Restorative…. the list GOES ON…. so what do I do? I S T R U G G L E D. Other’s felt the need to tell me I was lost – perhaps in the moment they were right – but their idea of me being lost wasn’t really what was going on. Many told me I had to follow “1 way” – WHAT???? Other’s told me I needed a Guru… hmmmmm…. we’ll see (I thought so too), Other’s told me I needed to certify in ONE style and stick with it, that idea made me cringe.

What every teacher has taught me is that yoga should evolve – so shouldn’t I? Shouldn’t I want to explore all these different styles? Learn as MUCH as I can and then in the best way I know how go and spread the news? Share the word? Teach from my heart – teach what I love? 

Why isn’t this ok? Well, it is!! It’s also OK to practice and teach 1 way! Do what you love, love what you do — and that is all that matters!

So, today as I sit here, this is what I am. I am an Ashtanga Yoga practitioner 3x per week on my own kitchen floor. I lead Vinyasa yoga classes (vinyasa = “to place in a special way”). I go to studios and take classes like Yin, Prana Flow, Slow Flow, Universal Yoga and much more. I teach 5 year olds, 10 year olds 14 year olds, young adults, adults and so on. I manage a studio, I love business – I lead teacher trainings and I also live my life. So you see – perhaps this is why blogs come few and far between, I’m living, breathing  loving and practicing this thing called Yoga (*I also don’t have time to take fancy pictures of me doing fancy poses all over the place ;))— and most importantly – I am a mother of 2 gorgeous girls, I am married to my best friend, I am a sister a daughter and someone who is just trying to figure it out along with all of you 1 day, 1 step, 1 yoga posture at a time.

Join me on the mat – won’t you?

http://www.gowithityoga.com — find out when I’m teaching!

Peace out – M

 

Yup – I was one of those too!

Post inspired by Ally Blaine!

I’ll admit it – I used to be one of those yogis who “judged” in fact, I still have some strong opinions. But now my opinions are based on facts vs just a knee jerk reaction to put someone else or something else down due to ignorance.

Come on – you should admit it too! It’s actually quite LIBERATING to just admit that you judge, have judged or are judging! Seriously – this is what the whole basis of our society is based on – judgement.  (LIBERATION – is the GOAL of yoga….hmmm, funny)

This post could get REALLY long really quickly as I have so many things to say, but I’ll try to keep it short. The reason I’m posting about this is recently there has been quite an UPROAR in the yoga community about a beautiful Ashtangi yogi named Kino McGregor – maybe you’ve heard of her. (you can read all about it here) I’ll be honest – I judged her a little bit too — why? was I jealous? (probably ;)) but I think my “opinion” came more from what I was taught about yoga teachers and how they should “present” themselves – something I was taught – not anything about her really. But truly – I think this “judgement” lasted for about a week when I then had the thought – “how the hell does she keep her legs from slipping off her arms” – and then a WHOLE NEW WORLD OF Awe and Respect beamed from my heart! 

But I’m actually getting really sick and tired of it all to be honest. *Yoga is NOT 1 way for a reason. There are MANY ways, styles, approaches for a REASON. We are all unique human beings and for us to say “no, no, it should be this way or that” is just WRONG! I have studied with Teachers who openly “bash” other styles, other teachers. I have also studied with Teachers who openly “praise” other styles and other teachers – you tell me, which one seems more “Yogic” to you?

*Because if there was 1 right way – then we would all be wearing tube tops and shorts… now that would be a sight – wouldn’t it 😉

There is something for everybody – HOT yoga, warm yoga, cold yoga, fast yoga, slow yoga, hard yoga, easy yoga – list goes on…. I say it’s time that we all get our heads out of our (you know what’s) and start LIBERATING ourselves from judgement, criticism – of who is right, how it should be done. If people are following AHIMSA (non-violent behavior) – then how can it be wrong?

Do you judge me for wearing a shirt that says “Yoga Dealer”?

Namaste friends – xx M

Repost – Mirror Mirror

Repost – Mirror Mirror

I recently wrote a blog for the studio where I teach — it’s about our expectations… really when you boil it down. We are always looking to others to blame or celebreate for how WE feel vs sitting back and looking at our own selves. 

As yoga teachers – we are always open to criticism. That class was good, that sequence sucked, her practice is that, his is that… while some of this *can* impact your experience, I would suggest why it impacts our experience is because it’s either a) pushing our buttons and we don’t like it or b) supporting a behavior (good or bad) that we are ready to want or change for ourselves – or c) we really are ressonating with the teaching of the teacher at that time in our life – but really all the teacher is doing is bringing what we already know to light…

And yes, you can take a REALLY bad yoga class, you can have a REALLY bad experience with a friend or job etc — but the MAJORITY of the time – it’s us and only us who we need to “blame” – good or bad!

Love – Marcia

And that’s a wrap!

Seriously, it’s over? I think for many of us, this year couldn’t end soon enough. Although, I will say, the last 3 months got REALLY good in my world. 

But isn’t that how it always goes? 

I am labeling 2012 the year of the “SUCK”. For me it sucked. For most people around me it did not. I had a lot of struggle this year. I was sick, my body was broken, I had struggle with my work (yes, even yoga teachers can have struggle) I was continually exhausted. So, this year was sucky – (but i hear if you are a redskins fan, this year was AWESOME!)

So there is always this dynamic going on. And even in my own home, this dynamic was happening. My daughters were zooming through life – great things, great accomplishments all around. My husband was stable and happy – but me, no. I was a grumpy hot mess. My body hurt, I had a cold that seemed to never go away – and no matter what I did – the pain continued.

But then,  fall came. And I’m not kidding when I say – big things ALWAYS happen for us in the fall. Not sure why – but it’s clearly our new beginning. Our new year. (reflection – perhaps we should have married in the fall… hmmmm….) Fall came and I woke up one day and my pain was gone and I felt like for the first time in over a year my eyes were open. I had energy that I used to have, my body could move. How did this happen? I changed nothing.

What happend was this – through all the suck – i had faith. I had belief that by slowly moving through and going slowly – things would open up for me. I didn’t do any of it the easy way, but the way I did it will and has made me stronger and more appreciative of this body, this life and the way that the universe works. Clearly, I had lessons to learn – and it’s very interesting to now realize what those lessons were. 

I say this all the time to my yoga teacher trainee’s. And in the moment, I know they think I’m being harsh, or I’m a little “cray cray” (as the kids these day’s like to say) — But I say – you must first show up and SUCK before you can show up and SHINE. — One of my first teachers of yoga, Baron Baptiste, introduced me to this idea. It’s brilliant and it’s true. 

So, 2012 – thank you for being my year of Suck. I will let you go, not holding on, not defining myself or attaching myself to what you were – but instead, learning from those lessons – not promising I won’t repeat them again (because who knows what caused it all in the first place) – but promising that I will show up and SHINE BRIGHTLY — even if it SUCKS! 

May 2013 be your year to SHINE.

Love to you all – Marcia

 

 

OK – so let’s try this again

Helloooo! So the last post I wrote was on my Birthday and it was the 10 things I wanted for my birthday. I posted fun pictures with it and EVERYTHING... but then, my computer crashed so – alas – no post. So, if first you should not succeed -try again!

One of my things on that list is to eliminate things from my life that do not bring anything to it. I know that sounds “vague” and maybe a little weird. But last year, being so sick and broken and seeing “who” in my life “what” in my life actually was there to bring me joy and happiness made me realize how much I needed to “eliminate” from it.

For example – I no longer sit on Facebook as much as I did last year. (I did have a little bit of a problem)… I no longer talk on the phone in my car every time I’m driving (OK Amy and Turi you can’t say that this isn’t true – because I’ve cut WAY BACK).. so it’s more like 1x per day I do this vs every time I am in my car. I no longer waste my time trying to give the same advice over and over again, I spend much less time watching tv (thank you to my husband for just cutting the chord on this – BEST  thing in the whole wide world) I’ve stopped worrying what other people “think” about me…  and I also have, unfortunately, decided to change some of my relationships. I say unfortunately – only because this is one of the harder things to do.

This last one is the one that has been the hardest. Because it’s not always something that can be spoken, or understood by both people.

But just the other day my good friend said this –“relationships are 2  sided. (obvious) — but this is where it got good —  but when one is sucking the life from the other, the one who is “getting all the energy” will never understand the one who’s been sucked dry and their perspective”.

I realized I was letting myself get SUCKED DRY by people, things (yes FACEBOOK) and other –  “STUFF’ because in my weakened sick state of the year of 39, I thought I had to still be “all these things” to people – but when I woke up from being sick – realized this stuff, these people weren’t being “all those things” for me.

So, I’m  writing this today realizing that one of my “wishes” for my birthday year of 40 has already started to become TRUE! I feel lighter, more free! I wrote as my status the other day – “we take our garbage out every day… so why do we hold on to so much of it in our bodies/minds? let it gooo, let it goooo!” — So, let’s all try this again, open lid – turn upside down and let the TRASH that no longer SERVES you be gone. — and yes, I do still facebook — but in moderation thank you to the advise of C.Everett Koop!

Peace, Love and Joy ~ M

And – here we go again!

Yup – back to school, back to routine, back to early bed times, packing lunches, car-rider lines, shorter days… I LOVE IT! But here’s the thing, based on my history and my more creative nature – I probably really shouldn’t — or this doesn’t fit the general idea of who people think I am… or who I think I am….

I lead teacher training – I teach people how to teach Yoga! What a wonderful gift that has been given to me. Each time I spend a weekend with the groups I learn, I change, I evolve, I become more “me” or a different part of me appears I should say. This past weekend was one of those weekends. This group is so dynamic – not one weekend goes by where we don’t laugh, cry, get frustrated, angry, happy etc.. You know, it’s like PMS all weekend long (i kid, but not really :))…  This past weekend was particularly amazing – but this one moment will stay with me forever. We were discussing the use of music in class – should you play it? What kind? Why? Why not etc.. on went the conversation.

At one point I was expressing that the music should make sense based on who YOU are. So, if I were to go in and try to play – oh, some crazy weird rock n roll music – It wouldn’t make sense. Then a puzzled look came over a students face – so I asked what they were thinking… and she said this “there are so many parts of me and who I am, so my music won’t always be the same, right?”... I had a long pause and just in that moment I almost cried. YES.. YES this is true – Music is an expression, it tells a story and like every class we create – while there is something that is familiar and grounding – it’s ART…and part of what makes it art is the music — it should be an expression of what you are trying to convey – what it is you were feeling when you put it together, what you want your class to feel. It’s one of the ways  a class goes from being a bunch of shapes to an experience.

So, here we are now at the title of the blog… Here we go again – my daughters are starting 5th grade and 7th grade. Each year we start the same way. By me telling them they can do ANYTHING they want. BE who THEY want to be. Break the mold – find their voice – express themselves – BE MAGICAL, HAPPY, STRONG.. Be courageous, be BOLD, be SAD, be YOU… Be MORE than YOU!! I get to remind myself of this while hopefully delivering a message to my dear daughters that will stay with them FOREVER — So that they don’t have to wonder how they are an artist and a project manager at the same time…. they will just understand it’s just a BEAUTIFUL part of them….

Love and Peace – Marcia

“Be Yourself, everyone else is already taken” – Oscar Wilde