Yes – this sad image was me – almost exactly 2 months ago today.
This post has been brewing inside of me for a good month now, and I think I’m finally ready to put it out there. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I begin to type these words.
We go about our days, our lives just ordinary. Not realizing — I mean REALLY realizing that it could be some of our last moments. That was how my days leading up to whatever the hell that was happened. This post could get really LONG as I feel like I want to share every detail, every moment with everyone — but I won’t and I can’t – I think it might be too painful to go through every moment.
I hate that saying “it changed my life” because I always would say – “don’t wait for big unexpected things to change you — choose to change”. I think for the most part what it did was VALIDATE for me the ideas that I have for me and my family and the way I want to live my life — and really looking out at everyone and saying – I don’t care if you agree with me or not. :)
But it did – it changed me. I’m not sure my body, my mind will ever be the same as it was before. For better or for worse. I don’t really understand the amount of drugs that were put into my system to ease my pain, I don’t really understand why I saw my mother standing in the room next to my husband, I’m not sure why Bella was laying with me in bed several nights even though she was miles away and I don’t know why Melissa was once again a newborn. But what I do know is these experiences happened for me and in the end I have no answers.
That’s probably the hardest part for me – is the not knowing why – which is why my life is changed. I was one moment enjoying watching Mez play soccer, the next moment being wheeled around a hospital, the next my brothers and my dad are standing in my room, I’m being told day after day that all my tests are clear – but yet, inside I was dying.
What got me through all this – I don’t understand. I suppose I should say – it is my yoga! – I’m not really sure I was capable of thinking about yoga during that time – but sure, I do remember trying to take some deep breaths and I do recall trying to practice gomukahasana a few times (my shoulders and hips desperately needed a stretch) but in all honesty – I think really, my time here just isn’t done yet.
So, how did it change me? Well here goes my list –
– You can take or leave me – I don’t care. I used to. I did really badly — I just wanted everyone to like me – and now, I don’t care. I’m good, I’m here, I have a beautiful family and people who do love me – so if you don’t – that’s fine. And trust me, I can already tell and I already know who everyone is!
– I’m removing the crap from my daughters lives. I don’t want them to waste time like I have done. Live now – don’t wait!
– I’m re-evaluating how I spend my time. I gave up something I LOVE – but I don’t love it more than my family, my body and my life.
– I’m enjoying the simpler things – like sitting here with my coffee – instead of feeling like a failure because I’m NOT up at 5am practicing yoga.
– I’m less concerned about making you happy and more concerned with making me happy. Because you aren’t responsible for my happiness and I’m not responsible for yours.
– My trust needs to be earned. I used to just give it away. I did. Trusted everyone. I realize that’s how I got burned so many times and I’m over it.
Some of the above might sound so very un-yogic… but even here I’m questioning the yoga community’s moral compass in many ways. I sometimes even question my own if I’m going to be fair. So, is it un-yogic? nah… it’s actually quite real – and it’s actually how we should ALL be.
So, did I say anything overly shocking – no. I don’t ever think I can put it into words – really. It was the scariest time in my life. And I’ll leave you all with this last thought/memory.
One morning, I happened to wake up before anyone came in to poke and prod me. My wonderful husband was laying on that G-d awful couch/bed. He was sound asleep. I looked at him and realized that I couldn’t leave him here alone. That I had so much more love to share and give to him and that back home I had 2 of the most amazing beautiful daughters and they had more to learn from me and to teach me. But I also looked at him and saw a man who was scared and broken because he thought he might lose me. I don’t ever want to understand or know that feeling again. For him, for them… I found an inner fight inside of me. Just ask my brother! But Robb Hoffheins — he was my and is my best friend. If you know him, you know he’s the softer side of the two of us. I’m not sure the way I just described this did that moment justice, but it was a pivotal moment during this journey I took. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life and even though we have bumps and bruises – I wouldn’t change my life with him — I’m just going to change my life around him so that I have more life WITH him.
Thanks for listening to my very long ramble.
Be strong. Be awesome. Be great. Be YOU.
Peace Out – M